• HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
• MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; it works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
• PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
• HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
• VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
• DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
• WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
• HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
• EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
• TWEEZERS: A tool used for removing wood splinters from a Douglass Fir 2X4.
• PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
• SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
• E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
• TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
• TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
• CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
• BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
• AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
• TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. It also creates scar tissue on the user's forehead. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.
• PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt, it can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
• AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

A wealthy doctor goes out and buys one of the best cars on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO.  It is also one of the most expensive cars in the world, and it Costs him over $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. 

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost over half a million dollars!" 

"That's a lot of money Sonny," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" 

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. 

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside Sonny?"

"No problem," replies the doctor. 

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice Car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!" 

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old Man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds, the Speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear View mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what It could be and suddenly.      WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH ! 

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" he asks himself. He floors the Accelerator & takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!  Amazed that the Moped Could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 Mph.    WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH ! 

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the Old man gaining on him AGAIN! 

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal &  takes  the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not 10 seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, & there's nothing more he can do! 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Automobile Electrical Theory
- or - 
A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke
by Joseph Lucas

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing. For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets. Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke.

Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components - especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

"A gentleman does not motor about after dark." Joseph Lucas (1842 - 1903)

You might be a Racer if...

- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

- You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.

- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.

- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.

- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.

- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.

- You change engine oil every other week.

- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.

- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.

- Your racing budget is one of the big three -- mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.

-Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.

- You walk proper lines through the grocery store.

- You've been known to yell "It means 'check your mirrors' dammit!" at your television.

- You've paid $6.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.

- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.

- You bought a race car before buying a house.

- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!

- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.

- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome.

- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.

- You know well that Orthodontic work is the equivalant of three sets of tires

- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."

- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.

- You have enough spare parts to build another car.

- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.

- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Gentleman, start your engines!"

- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.

- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.

- Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and Pauter rods and your 'significant other' knows what they are.

- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"

- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.

- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written.... and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.

- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.

- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud at ButtonWillow last weekend!"

- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturer's name.

- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.

- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.

- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.

- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".

- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.

- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.

- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.

- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.

- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

- You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.

- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."

- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.

- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.

- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.

- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.

- You always do a heel & toe downshift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look.

- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.

- You can't stand understeer.

- You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.

- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.

- You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.

- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.

- You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.

- You save broken car parts as " momentos".

- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly....

- You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).

- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have been within 50 yards of...

- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping.

- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.

- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tips every day than you do bathing.

- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.

- You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.

- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out.

- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.

- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter"

- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.

- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.

- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook"

- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".

- You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer.

- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.

- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.

- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.

- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.

- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.

- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.

- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.

- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview afterwards.

- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"

Nitrous is like a hot chick with an STD…

You know you want to hit it, but you’re afraid of the consequences!

In 1769, the very first self-propelled road vehicle was a military tractor invented by French engineer and mechanic, Nicolas Joseph Cugnot (1725 - 1804). Cugnot used a steam engine to power his vehicle, built under his instructions at the Paris Arsenal by mechanic Brezin. It was used by the French Army to haul artillery at a whopping speed of 2 1/2 mph on only three wheels. The vehicle had to stop every ten to fifteen minutes to build up steam power. The steam engine and boiler were separate from the rest of the vehicle and placed in the front. The following year (1770), Cugnot built a steam-powered tricycle that carried four passengers.

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."
    "And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
    "Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"

Dan was on his way to work one morning when his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard Brandy's voice urgently warning him, "Dan, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 695. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Dan, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A few months back, when the gas prices were skyrocking, Brandy came home from work and announced that she was really sick of the high gas prices.
And furthermore, she was really tired of having to by 'that old gas'.
"I always have to buy the gas from '87, it's all I can afford.
It would really be nice to be able to buy some of the newer gas,
like the '89 or even the '91. As a matter of fact, I was wondering:
Why haven't they made any gas since 1991?"

A bare-breasted woman caused a ten-car collision when she drove along the Hollywood Freeway in an open convertible. The incident was reported in the local newspaper with the following headline: "Bares 2, Rams 10."

In Kentucky; Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.  Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.  Scared, they left the scene and drove home.  With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain.  With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

My car has a gas-saving feature for winter driving -- it won't start.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Why do we Park on the Driveway and Drive on the Parkway?

Did You Know?

Mercedes Benz cars are named after Mercedes Jellinek, an Austrian girl

About a quarter of the world still drives on the left, and the
countries that do are mostly old British colonies.


There are more than 16,400 parking metres in Manhatten, New York.


Traffic jams are nothing new. In 45 BC, Rome banned all vehicles from within the city - and in other cities vehicles, including horses, were allowed only at night... because of traffic jams.


The city with the most Rolls Royce's per capita is Hong Kong.


On average a human being spends two weeks of their entire lives waiting for traffic lights to change

On Oct. 22, 1999, White Lightning Electric Streamliner, an electiric car owned by Dempsey's World Record Associates, achieved a record speed 245.951 m.p.h. at the Bonneville Salt Flats, Utah, USA. The car was driven by Patrick Rummerfield (USA).

The first cars did not have steering wheels. Drivers steered with a lever.

The New York City Police Department used bicycles to pursue speeding motorists in 1898.

The first speeding ticket was issued in 1902.

In 1916, 55 percent of the cars in the world were Model T Fords, a record that has never been beaten.

The first gas gauge appeared in cars in 1922.

In 1923, 173 new inventions by women for cars had been reported. Among these inventions were a carburetor and an electric engine starter.

The first car radio was invented in 1929.

Buick introduced the first electric turn signals in 1938.

The Peanuts characters were first animated in 1957 for a Ford Fairlaine automobile commercial.

Most American car horns beep in the key of F.

The automobile is the most recycled consumer product in the world today.

In 1906, the horse-drawn traffic in New York City moved along at an average speed of 11.5 miles per hour. In 1978, a survey showed automobile traffic in New York City averaged only 7.9 miles per hour.

Felix Wankel, automotive engineer and inventor of the rotary engine, never had a driver's license.

A penguin takes his car into the shop

 and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out.

So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-11 to kill some time and get an ice cream.

But because he’s got no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak.

So he goes back to the mechanic and the guy tells him “looks like you blew a seal”.

The penguin tells him “no, that’s just a little ice cream.”

 It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
     She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
     "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
     Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
     The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
     As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
     "Who said that?" she demanded.
     Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

Automotive Philosophy

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
 

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
 

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Allied Motorsports is a division of ALLIED MEDICAL CORPORATION